Something I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for. Though in not fighting, it caused my heart and spirit to be raped as well. To prevent so much damage in struggles, ripping and tearing. I've laid down without physical fight to be sodomized. I have great difficulty raising food to my mouth from shaking after nightmares or thinking to hard on all this . . . . He also said there was no where to run to, and it would be best for me to accept things . I've requested protective custody only to be denied. He told me that off the record, He suggests I find a man I would/could willingly have sex with to prevent these things from happening. I explained to the hearing officer what the issue was. One time when I refused to enter a cell, I was brutally attacked by staff and taken to segragation though I had only wanted to prevent the same and worse by not locking up with my cell mate. I had fought and been beat so hard that I didn't ever think I'd see straight again. I have been raped by up to 5 black men and two white men at a time. These characteristics have got me raped so many times I have no more feelings physically. I'm a tall white male, who unfortunately has a small amount of feminine characteristics. When I first came to prison, I had no idea what to expect.
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